bitty word #15

March, April, May, June. Four months of occasional late night encounters. Food poisoning, movies in bed, melty man, new sheets, forgotten jewelry.  So many encapsulated memories with Adonis. But just when I let myself believe that we had a routine - please note I did not say relationship - the text went unanswered.  I let the summer pass and in the fall radio silence continued. I vowed I was done.  I moved on...or back but that is a whole different story.

That vow was a lie. On an unseasonably warm night in November I was packing my car for a long weekend trip. It was late but I like driving when there isn't any one else on the road. My phone pinged and it was him. Just a little over a year from that first night, he was emerging from the depths again. I looked at the clock, weighed the social acceptability of being asleep at such a time and gleefully ignored him.

In the sunshine of the next day, I was glowing with the deep powerful feeling of being the one who cares less.  And then my phone pinged again. Damn, smells like desperation. That powerful glow intensified but this time I answered. There was a short volley but there was nothing to arrange with me so far away.  Despite wanting to be with him again, saying no was empowering in a way I couldn't imagine.

On Monday he texted again. Sorry, I got responsibilities.

On Tuesday. Nope, I'm side hustling.

On Wednesday, I finally said yes.

bitty words #14

"Well, that answers that question," I murmured against his shoulder.

Our bodies were still tangled together. the sheets knotted and twisted around us, and I never wanted to move.

"What question?" he asked, only half engaged.

Why was I not surprised that he couldn't recall the catalyst for our urgent second round? I reminded myself, boys are ridiculous.

Reality started to crack the magic sex spell and I started to roll away from him. "Nevermind."

He made a soft noise of confusion and his arm around my back tightened ever so slightly. "Where are you going?"

A small laugh grew in my throat, clinging to the sweetness that was quickly evaporating like the sweat on our skin.

We stayed entangled for a few more minutes as I inspected the popcorn texture of his ceiling. It almost felt like I had been there the week before instead of more than three months ago.

"Remind me why we waited so long to do this again?" I asked before good sense could stop my tongue.

He half laughed. "I don't know. We were busy, I guess."

I was sorry I asked the question and his response was such a lame non-answer that I had to disentangle myself to distract myself for my own disappointment. I don't know what I wanted him to say but I knew that wasn't it.

Moving out of his grip, I moved to the edge of the bed. I saw my pile of clothes on the floor and hated myself for coming straight here in my dress. There was no comfy half-dressed option; it was either lingerie or fully clothed.

I chose the lingerie option because fully clothed might look like I was leaving and I wasn't sure if I was. I slipped out of bed and slithered into my panties as quickly as possible.

"I'm hungry," he said, behind me.

I turned to him, a little shy despite it all. "Seriously? You're ridiculous?"

He sat up in bed. "I'm tired, I just worked hard. I need nourishment and I don't have any food in the house"

I rolled my eyes so hard, I was lucky they didn't fall right out.  "I feel like this is a reoccurring thing for you."

He tilted his head to the side for a moment until he remembered. "Oh, that's right, you took me for tacos once didn't you?"

"In the middle of the night," I added. "That is an important detail."

He laughed and I smiled, too. It had been ridiculous at the time and it was even more ridiculous now.

"Do you want tacos again?"

He checked the clock above his bed. "I actually think I'm going to walk around the corner for pizza, they're open for another half hour."

"That is my cue to get out of here." I reached for my dress. Was I glad to have an easy out or did I want to be staying? Especially after all this time?

He still hadn't moved from bed. "You don't have to go, you can hang out."

"No worries,  I should get home."  I had already stepped into my dress, there was no turning back now. At least not without a more concrete invitation than "you can hang out."

Finally extricating himself from the bed, he grabbed his boxers off the floor. "I'll walk out with you."

"How gentlemanly of you," I said with a laugh.

He smiled. "You know it."

I had my arm twisted up behind my back trying to zip my dress but I had to admit defeat. "Could you?" I turned my back to him.

"What? Oh. Sure."

I could fell the warmth of his body as he stepped in close and fumbled with the tiny tab. His fingers grazed my back as he zipped me up and his breath danced across my neck. I inhaled, anticipating that he would kiss my neck but there was no kiss. After a long second, he stepped away and I turned back to face him, trying to keep the disappointment off my face.

"That dress really is great." His eyes were no where near my face.

"Thanks for the stamp of approval."

A touch of snark crept into my voice and we carried the banter out of his apartment and down the street.

He kissed my cheek on the corner. "Thanks for..." His voice faded.

I smiled. Was he really going to be shy about this on a dark street corner in the middle of the night? Apparently. "You too."

As we walked away from each other, of all the things we'd done together, him zipping up my dress was the thing I couldn't get out of my mind.

bitty words #13

"Wow."

I echoed his sentiments in a dreamy tone, too gloriously satisfied to say more.

"No," he sat up and looked at me in the dusky light from the open bedroom door. "Like, so much better than I remembered it. And I remembered it being pretty good."

I giggled. "I'm not sure if I should be flattered or offended. Both I guess, since both times were me."

"Stop, I didn't mean it like that. It's a compliment." He seemed to have missed my giggle and playful tone.

"It's okay. I'm not offended." I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "You were really great, too."

He all but growled as he caged himself over me. "Think I can be really great, twice in a row?"

I didn't have a chance to answer him as his mouth crashed into mine, demanding and urgent.  I pressed one hand against the smooth skin of his chest and threaded the other through his Adonis curls.

As we came up for air, I whispered between kisses on his neck. "Don't disappoint me now."

He laughed and rolled onto his back, taking me with him. Looking up at me, his smile was almost sinister. He had definitely accepted my challenge.

A shiver of anticipation ran through me before we attacked each other again.

bitty words #12

He dropped kissed across my collarbone and any hesitations I may or may not have had about going back there evaporated.

"Let's get you out of that dress," He whispered, his hot breath dancing across my neck.

I answered him by grabbing the hem of his t-shirt and pulling. He laughed as he flung it off, his impossibly defined abs now on full display, and laced his fingers through mine pulling toward the bedroom.

Yep. All hesitations were definitely gone.

Once inside his room he spun me into an embrace, pressing his body against my back and wrapping his arms around me.

"This is really such a great dress," He whispered. He ran his hand over the soft wool of my skirt, grabbing curves along the way.

I gave a half-hearted thanks, but I didn't really care if he liked the dress. I wanted to be kissing him again. "Are you gonna compliment it or take it off?" I asked with my characteristic snark.

He laughed into the curve of my neck and I felt his fingers on the zipper. I turned to face him as I let the dress fall to the floor.

His sound of lustful approval defied description as his eyes scanned my body.

I stepped out of my dress, rising up on my toes, and pressed myself against his bare chest. His skin felt scalding but in the best way. I was close enough to kiss him but I didn't. I catalogued the details of his face instead. The feathery lashes, the crinkles near his gold-flecked eyes, and the incorrigible way his hair curled across his forehead.

This man was seriously too attractive for his own good.

He interrupted my musings on his status as a perfect male specimen with a passionate kiss that left me breathless. I was trying to remember my own name when he half pushed half carried me onto his bed.

I giggled as he landed on top of me.

He hovered over me, poised to kiss me, but paused. "Did you miss me, Princess?"

My snark kicked in before I could stop it. "No, missing you would require feelings and I don't have those." I literally bit my tongue, holding it between my teeth as I waited to see if I'd gone to far.

He dropped his head onto my chest and laughed, vibrating my whole body with his mirth. "You're such a pain in my ass," he said.

And then neither one of us said anything coherent for a long time.

bitty words #11

I was expecting a text from my best friend when I heard my notification tone.

But it was him.

Risen from the graveyard of people who don't text back to give a girl a minor heart attack on a busy Friday afternoon.

I looked at the text for nearly fifteen minutes, shock and surprise eliminating any ability to construct complete sentences. But eventually I managed a few words and he volleyed back.

A plan was made. A time arranged.

I walked up the frosty front steps in my dainty heels, my legs shivering slightly in my dress. I pressed his doorbell and waited. How awkward was this going to be after nearly four months of radio silence?

Was I going to have to make small talk?

His Adonis face appeared in the shadowy hall and I knew I did not want to make small talk. AT ALL. I had way better things to do with him after all this time.

"How was the show?" He asked as soon as the door was closed behind us.

Fucking small talk. I shrugged out of my coat and tried not to sigh out loud.

"Pretty good."

"What show was it?" He took a step toward me and the look in his eye sent a whole new type of shiver through me.

"Does it matter?"

He laughed. "You are so good at small talk, has anyone ever told you that?"

I smiled but as a witty answer formed on my tongue, I shivered.

"Are you cold?" He dropped a hand onto my shoulder. "I could get you a blanket."

I spun into his embrace. "No, you'll do just fine yourself."

A broad smile spread across his face. "Damn, I missed you."

bitty words #10

You aren't as cute as the asshole who made me orgasm so many times I forgot to keep count, but I might actually like you.

Red flag #1.

You invited me over to watch an indie movie and I actually wanted to go. I should have fun the other way. Netflix and chill never ends well, right?

What does ending well mean anyway?

I sit cross-legged on the floor, my back against a brown velour loveseat. You do the same but on the other side of the coffee table. Perpendicular to me.

A butterfly dies in my stomach. You've chosen to sit far from me. You've ruled out casual contact in the dark. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bummed but I don't say anything at all.

This movie is ridiculous. There is no continuity. Except the crabs. The crabs that couldn't have actually lived the entire length of the movie so even that isn't accurate.

You think my unwillingness to suspend my disbelief, my focus on the practical and logistical despite the fact that a turtle literally turns into a woman is funny.

You laugh quietly in the dark and a pang of cellular longing makes me wish I could feel the vibrations of amusement in your chest.

I take a sip of cider and remind myself not to be an idiot. We're watching a movie. You aren't my type. You have never been anything but friendly. You are sitting so far away you cannot possibly be interested.

But I think I like you.

bitty words #9

Back in his apartment I felt awkward. He was lounging on his sectional sofa, stuffing his face full of tacos and I felt supremely superfluous. I perched a section away from him and surveyed his living room in greater detail. He actually had some nice original art on the walls but the rest of it screamed bachelor pad. For some perverse reason, that made me smile.

"Why are you so far away?" he asked, crumpling up yet another taco wrapper.

"Because I am superfluous to your taco feast," I said, truthfully.

"You know, I think I'm starting to like your big words." He smiled. "It's kind of a hot."

I shrugged. I have my fair share of insecurities but my intelligence isn't one of them.

He moved to my section of the sofa. "So, do you have plans for Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, just dinner with my mother and sister." Oh, lord. Small talk? Really? "What about you? Do you even have a family or did you just enter the world fully formed like a god?"

He laughed so hard it clapped his hands in that involuntary way that it happens when you're really really amused. "Sadly, no. I'm the youngest, three older sisters and two predictably human parents."

I couldn't stop myself from smiling. "That explains everything."

"What is that supposed to mean?" There was a distinctly defensive note in his voice that made me smile harder.

I put my hands up in mock surrender. "Nothing, just a little insight into your personality."

"I thought you didn't like my personality." He nudged me with his shoulder then stayed close.

"I don't necessarily but I still find it objectively interesting." I reasoned.

He mumbled "objectively interesting" to himself then looked at me seriously. "Is this what all small talk with you is like?"

I laughed. "Pretty much."

"Hmm" was his only response and I didn't push for more. After a few extra long seconds he asked, "so are you done with small talk then?"

"To be fair, you started the small talk so you're the one to decide if we're done with it or not."

His hand snaked around my waist and pulled me onto his lap. "Oh, I am definitely done with small talk but I'm just getting started with you."

bitty words #8

After denial & garbage bag pants
I found cider & wings
After birthdays & baseball
I found bike tours &Halloween
After meltdowns & Cabernet
I found yes.

bitty words #7

I sat in the driver's seat of his car and could reach absolutely nothing. "Are you even human?" I asked. "How do you drive from this position?"

"Stop whining and just adjust the seat, you big baby."

I stuck out my tongue and decided I wouldn't be returning the seat to this position as payback for that comment.

When I could finally reach the pedals and steering wheel, I started up the car and pulled out of the tight parking space, silently praying it would still be there when we got back because street parking in his neighborhood was thin on the ground.

"So where exactly, are we getting these tacos?" I asked as I approached the first stop light and needed to know where I was going.

"Tacos & Subs is closest," he said. "But Mighty would be way better."

"Mighty is farther away." I pointed out but still put on my blinker to go in that direction.

He laughed and turned up the heat. Fall was fast slipping into winter and I was definitely regretting leaving my tights even if I was coming back because my legs were shivering.

As I flicked on my blinker at the driveway to Mighty, I chanced a look at him. He didn't seem at all bothered to have someone else driving his car. Far calmer, I could guarantee that I would have been in the opposite position but ... details.

"You better know what you want." I said, nosing the car into line.

"Oh, I know," he answered with a Cheshire grin.

I had the distinct feeling  he wasn't talking about tacos. I cleared my throat. "Are you going to tell me so I can order?" My window was already down and we were the next car in line.

"No."

I drummed my fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. "So, what? I'm supposed to guess? Is this some kind of weird test? 'If she can guess my taco order we can keep hooking up?'"

He squinted at me for a moment. "That would be an excellent test but I just plan to lean over and order myself. Don't want to risk a translation error - tacos are very important after all."

I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out of my head. Rather than dignify that statement with a response, I  pulled up to the speaker where the crackling voice asked what it could get for us.

Turning to him with a snarky comment poised on my tongue, I found him already leaning over the console toward my lap. He placed a hand on the seat between my legs (good thing I "man spread" when I drive) and hauled his entire upper body into my personal space as he ordered. I might be sleeping with this guy but it still felt awkward to have him so close.

"See," he said, his face very close to mine. "It's more fun this way."

I was milliseconds away from disagreeing when he kissed me.  My foot nearly slipped off the brake in surprise. But good surprise. Very good surprise. As I returned his kiss, I felt him shifting his weight off the hand he had so casually planted between my legs when ordering.

"Isn't this more fun?" he whispered, dropping kissing down my neck like we weren't waiting in a drive thru line at midnight.

A breathy "yes" was all I could manage as his fingers danced across my inner thigh. Just as his finger hooked around the lace edge of my underwear -

HONK !!

This time my foot did slip off the brake as the car behind us got impatient that we weren't moving forward with the line.

We both laughed, the strange bubble of illicit desire broken, and he moved back to his side of the car. His hand stayed on my thigh as I pulled up to the window.

bitty words #6

(originally posted 12/16 as #4 but renumbered and reposted for chronology of story)


He had been right. It didn't have to just be a one time thing. And it wasn't as I found myself staring at his ceiling again the following weekend.

"I want tacos."

I turned my head toward his voice to find him propped up on one elbow, already looking at me.  "You want tacos? Now?" I asked, still lazy and sluggish in the afterglow of our activities.

"Yeah," he used his free hand to draw circles on my sternum. "I'm exhausted but I don't want to be done with you yet."

Even the shadows I felt myself blushing. A week later, I still thought he was an asshole but he was also right that the sex we had together was amazing. The whole situation made me feel powerful and confident but the casualness with which he talked about it still caught me off guard. Sex before him was a whispered behind closed doors type of thing. Now sex was a topic of conversation. Pretty much all of my conversations with him, actually.

"So, what, you want to go on a taco run?" I looked at the digital clock on the shelf. "At midnight?"

He laughed, sliding his hand up my neck and pulling me to him for a quick kiss. "Midnight taco runs are the best taco runs...but you're going to have to drive."

I heaved a sigh and moved to get out of bed and find my clothes. He continued to lounge in bed and doubt crept into whatever fantasy land we'd been existing in before I left the bed. It wasn't a sad doubt, just a logical realization. Perhaps I was outstaying my welcome. "This is a clever ruse to get me to leave, isn't it?" I said it with a smile and I meant it.

He joined me at the discarded pile of clothes we'd so quickly shed earlier. "I promise I'll tell you if I want you to leave."

"Okay, so tell me," I pressed. "Should I take my tights with me because you're going to say goodbye to me at the door when we get back."

"You're ridiculous." He snatched the stockings in question from my hand and tossed them onto the bed, out of reach. "Leave them."

I was smiling when he pushed me up again his door and kissed me with such ferocity that my lips were surely bruised as we walked out together.

bitty words #5

Wow. Just wow. I was no longer a person. I was melted pile of cells that had once been a human but had come apart at the seams. His hand snaked across my stomach and he nestled into my side with his curly hair fanned across my chest.

"Are you okay?" he sounded sleepy and I resisted the urge to pet his head. That was basically asking for an emotional attachment and that was so not my intention. 

"Mhmm. Better than okay."  

"See. Sex is awesome. And you're really good at it. So..." He let his voice trail away into the darkness.

He was clearly trying to make sure I wasn't regretting what we had just done but it was making  me uncomfortable. 

"Um... okay." I wasn't sure if I was supposed to say thank you or tell him he was good too. Well, fantastic actually. But ....details.  I decided to deflect. "Is there a rest of that last sentence?"  

"Well, I just, I didn't want you to be hard on yourself or anything. You were literally made to do this." He hands were starting to wander from my waist. 

"Arguably, everyone is made to to do this." I smirked down at him, pleased at dissecting his compliments and making him have to keep rewording things to get his point across. Yes, I was a word monster. 

His fingers danced in a threatening tickle. "You know what I mean." 

"Do I? Perhaps I am particularly obtuse. What if subtlety is entirely beyond my cognitive abilities." I was just having fun now. 

"Obtuse? Cognitive?"

"They mean -" I began.

"I know what they mean but only you would use those kinds of  words in my bed right now." He was laughing at me again but I didn't mind. 

"I like words." I shrugged beneath him and watched his hair jostle slightly. 

He turned his head to look at me. "More than you like me?" 

"I don't like you." I said matter of factly. "I like having sex with you." 

His laughter shook the whole bed. "Yeah. You're definitely welcome back in this bed any time you want." 

I put on my most pretentious voice. "Why thank you. And assuming I would like to return, how do the logistics work? Do I get a password to a private google calendar and all the girls are color coded so you don't accidentally double book your bed?"

He nuzzled against my ribs, almost shyly. "It's really nothing like that." 

His hand found mine in the blankets and before I knew it, I heard the soft snuffling of his sleep breathing. I might have gotten into this for strictly casual sex but this gorgeous man asleep on my chest was a nice bonus. 

bitty words #4

"Whoa, whoa," the laughter was back in his voice but it wasn't as annoying this time. I kissed him to make him be quiet but he pressed his gym-calloused hands to my shoulders and broke away.

"Are you sure? We don't have to do anything. We can just lay here if that is what you want." A coy grin played across his gorgeous mouth, like he was pretty sure he knew what I wanted but he liked asking anyway.

In the shadows of his room, his body was moonlight and muscle beneath me and his Adonis-worthy face was so damn pretty it felt like a sin just to look at him. I leaned forward, matching our bare chests together.

"I want you." I heard his intake of breath and added, "Now."

In an instant he had flipped me onto my back, positioning himself between my legs. A shiver ran through every cell like an electric shock. This was going to be amazing. I reached for him, catching his mouth in a messy, urgent kiss. I could feel myself drifting away from logical thought, becoming a heated ball of raw desire, but I had one more important question to ask first.

"Have you been tested recently?"

Laughing a yes against my collarbone, his fingers trailed up my thigh but not quite to the place that craved his touch most. "I'm good, but are you on the pill?"

We were still close, still touching, still kissing between the questions but this conversation felt a little like a buzz kill. I mean, it was super important to be safe, careful, and responsible but if he was about to fight me over a condom I might just have to leave for real this time.

"No, but even if I was -" He was off me before I could finish my sentence. "Where are you going?"

He back standing at the foot of the bed in seconds. "Just getting this." He threw an unopened condom onto my stomach. I snatched it up just before he launched himself on top of me again. Our already urgent kisses reached a new level of frantic.

"Put it on me," he breathed across the soft skin of my chest.

Fresh desire rocketed through me as I tore open the package and rolled it over him. Thoughts came to me in disjointed clusters without much meaning. All I knew for certain was that at that moment, I needed him.

"You're sure?" he asked again, throbbing against my thigh.

Why was that question so hot? Consent, as it turned out, was seriously sexy.

"I'm more than sure," I said, then reached for him and proved it.

bitty words #3

Something about the way he looked at me in the dark made me tell him. And like the asshole he truly was, he laughed.

"Wow, that is definitely not what I expected." He couldn't keep the mirth out of his voice. 

Embarrassment flooded every inch of my body and I felt my temperature rise. At a loss for words for the first time in living memory, my fight or flight reflex kicked in and the response was definitely flight. I rolled away from him and sat up, calculating the quickest and least revealing way to extricate myself from this situation. 

What the fuck had I been thinking? I didn't know if I was more upset with myself for being stupid enough to tell him why I was hesitant or that I was idiotic enough to have gone there in the first place. 

I felt his arms around my waist, pulling me back to him but I planted my feet on the floor and didn't budge. 

"Hey, hey, where are you going?" 

I tried to pry his arms off me. "I'm leaving. This was a mistake."

"What are you talking about? We haven't done anything yet."  He was still on the verge of laughter. Why was he incapable of being serious? 

"It's obviously better that way."

"Oh, you're like having a thing. Maybe I should serious it up a bit."  

My desire to slap him was unreal.  I made to stand up but instead of breaking his grasp, it gave him the leverage to pull me back into bed with him. 

He kept himself wrapped around me. "Seriously, I'm just surprised. You don't seem like the kind of girl to have hang ups about sex." 

"So you thought I was easy." Even I find a little laugh this time because it is so untrue. 

"Not really." He still didn't moved his arms. "I just thought you  would have slept with who you wanted when you wanted. That's just your personality." 

I couldn't fault that. I was a take what I want, screw what anyone else had to say about it kind of person. 

"Well, I've got baggage apparently." 

He laughed again and I squirmed to get free. "You can't have baggage from one person. You have the opposite of baggage." 

I cracked a smile despite myself. He was right. One person shouldn't have felt so heavy and saying it out loud helped me see that. 

Then he tickled me. In hindsight I could see his logic in trying to take my mind off the heavy stuff but it was still a stupid thing to do. I started writhing immediately. I had always been irrationally ticklish. 

"Stop." 

He didn't.

"I'm serious. Stop." I repeated. He still didn't. 

"I'm going to hit you if you don't stop." He laughed. 

Thwack. My elbow connected with his sternum and he let go. And I burst into laughter. 

"You're a monster." He gasped, catching his breath. 

"I warned you." And then, because it felt like the right thing to do, I crawled on top of him.

bitty words #2

Panic raced through me alongside adrenaline and desire, but stronger than both.

Number 2.

Every girl regrets the second guy she sleeps with.

I rolled away from him, overwhelmed and breathing hard.

"What's wrong?" His hand crept across my hip in a soft caress.

I stared at the ceiling, lost in the popcorn texture and my own doubts. "I can't do this."

"What? Why?" I felt the surprise in his fingers. "You called me, remember?"

The ridiculousness of the whole thing forced a laugh from my lips. "True."

After a moment of thick silence, he moved his hand from my hip, wrapping it instead across my waist and throwing one of his long legs over my own. He pressed the front of his body against the side of mine as I continued to stare at the ceiling.

"You're safe here," he whispered in my ear before dropping his head onto my chest.

The sudden change from brash, sarcastic banter to such a tender moment  pushed me further off balance. Who was he? What was this? What was I doing here?

"Tell me what's wrong," he asked, pulling me closer.

How could I tell him he was only number 2? That the seductress of casual sex I had been three minutes ago was all an act? Did I want to?

I turned on my side to face him, still within the embrace of his limbs. "Nevermind." I pressed my lips to his, urgently, trying to remember why I came here in the first place. He opened his mouth to meet me and my panic receded. "It doesn't matter," I said, in gasping breaths as his scalding fingers danced across my back.  "This is just a one time thing."

It was his turn to pull away, finding my eyes in the dimly lit room. "It doesn't have to be."

bitty words #1

I broke away from his kiss as his chauvinistic words sunk in.

"You're an asshole," I said, no hint of laughter in my voice. "I don't think I want to do this anymore."

Despite my tone, he laughed. "I am. And you're a pain in the ass but this is going to be amazing."

I was still processing this latest statement when his lips crashed into mine again. It took approximately ten seconds for me to agree with him but I wasn't sure which of us was in for more trouble.