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bitty words #11

I was expecting a text from my best friend when I heard my notification tone.

But it was him.

Risen from the graveyard of people who don't text back to give a girl a minor heart attack on a busy Friday afternoon.

I looked at the text for nearly fifteen minutes, shock and surprise eliminating any ability to construct complete sentences. But eventually I managed a few words and he volleyed back.

A plan was made. A time arranged.

I walked up the frosty front steps in my dainty heels, my legs shivering slightly in my dress. I pressed his doorbell and waited. How awkward was this going to be after nearly four months of radio silence?

Was I going to have to make small talk?

His Adonis face appeared in the shadowy hall and I knew I did not want to make small talk. AT ALL. I had way better things to do with him after all this time.

"How was the show?" He asked as soon as the door was closed behind us.

Fucking small talk. I shrugged out of my coat and tried not to sigh out loud.

My privilege is showing

So I have probably said this often, but TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD is one of my favorite books. Top 5, no question. 
I read it my junior year of high school with a fabulous teacher in a sleepy white farm town in Western New York. I spent a lot time in Buffalo for ballet and had plenty of diverse friends but the people around me didn't. It was a book that changed the tenor of our other discussions in class, not just the ones about TKAM. It was a book that sparked my desire to be a lawyer. 
Aside from the effects on my class social dynamic, I love the life lessons we see through the children's eyes. The innocence of trading trinkets with Boo Radley, the simplicity of bartering goods for services, the hardship of being different, the quiet wisdom and struggle of Atticus, the awkwardly obvious truth in the courtroom. I love so much about this book. 
But, I will admit, that I have found my frustration and rage to be stronger in recent rereads. It felt far more removed from the present w…

bitty words #10

You aren't as cute as the asshole who made me orgasm so many times I forgot to keep count, but I might actually like you.

Red flag #1.

You invited me over to watch an indie movie and I actually wanted to go. I should have fun the other way. Netflix and chill never ends well, right?

What does ending well mean anyway?

I sit cross-legged on the floor, my back against a brown velour loveseat. You do the same but on the other side of the coffee table. Perpendicular to me.

A butterfly dies in my stomach. You've chosen to sit far from me. You've ruled out casual contact in the dark. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bummed but I don't say anything at all.

This movie is ridiculous. There is no continuity. Except the crabs. The crabs that couldn't have actually lived the entire length of the movie so even that isn't accurate.

You think my unwillingness to suspend my disbelief, my focus on the practical and logistical despite the fact that a turtle literally turns …

bitty words #9

Back in his apartment I felt awkward. He was lounging on his sectional sofa, stuffing his face full of tacos and I felt supremely superfluous. I perched a section away from him and surveyed his living room in greater detail. He actually had some nice original art on the walls but the rest of it screamed bachelor pad. For some perverse reason, that made me smile.

"Why are you so far away?" he asked, crumpling up yet another taco wrapper.

"Because I am superfluous to your taco feast," I said, truthfully.

"You know, I think I'm starting to like your big words." He smiled. "It's kind of a hot."

I shrugged. I have my fair share of insecurities but my intelligence isn't one of them.

He moved to my section of the sofa. "So, do you have plans for Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, just dinner with my mother and sister." Oh, lord. Small talk? Really? "What about you? Do you even have a family or did you just enter the world fully …

Taking Stock and Looking Ahead

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It is 9:26pm on the last day of 2016.

Damn.

When I look at the calendar, I can't figure out where the year went. How did I let another year slip by without living it?

However, that is my brain working against me. I lived A LOT in 2016. It wasn't always happy living but I did it. I've talked about feeling like a disappointment and failure and just not being okay a lot the last few months. But today, I want to remind myself of the living that happened this year. Please forgive my self-indulgence.

I started off the year by getting new glasses, and seeing one of my all time favorite musicals with my family, both blood and found.


I told February to fuck off by cutting my hair (uh oh!). I've been known for my long hair for most of my life. It has always been long (and still is) but this cut was really liberating. Like I was cutting off my baggage with the split ends. I also started a full time teaching job in a city district which was (and continues to be) an adventure.

In M…

bitty words #8

After denial & garbage bag pants
I found cider & wings
After birthdays & baseball
I found bike tours &Halloween
After meltdowns & Cabernet
I found yes.

bitty words #7

I sat in the driver's seat of his car and could reach absolutely nothing. "Are you even human?" I asked. "How do you drive from this position?"

"Stop whining and just adjust the seat, you big baby."

I stuck out my tongue and decided I wouldn't be returning the seat to this position as payback for that comment.

When I could finally reach the pedals and steering wheel, I started up the car and pulled out of the tight parking space, silently praying it would still be there when we got back because street parking in his neighborhood was thin on the ground.

"So where exactly, are we getting these tacos?" I asked as I approached the first stop light and needed to know where I was going.

"Tacos & Subs is closest," he said. "But Mighty would be way better."

"Mighty is farther away." I pointed out but still put on my blinker to go in that direction.

He laughed and turned up the heat. Fall was fast slipping into w…