To reread or not to reread? That is the question.

I don't reread books that often. Sure, I've read the entire Harry Potter series too many times to count and a few others have snuck in a time or two, but generally, I think there are so many books in the world that I need to keep plowing on. But sometimes rereading can be a lovely gift and I'm coming to appreciate it.

In late middle school or early high school I started reading the MRS MURPHY MYSTERIES series by Rita Mae Brown. At the time I loved them for the quirky animals and the good mysteries. I stopped reading them as my interests changed and although I still have a bunch of them (unread) on my bookshelf, I couldn't restart the series without the first three books which had been missing for years.

I was in a sweet little used bookshop in Warwick, RI last week and found the first three books for cheap. I've spent the last few days binging them and I have a newfound appreciation. The animals are still quirky and fun and the mysteries are still good but the blade of truth with which Brown has cut all of her characters is so sharp it almost hurts. She uses murder mystery as a way to acutely examine the human condition and display interpersonal messiness and emotion in both subtle and overt ways that really resonate. I missed so much of this as a young teen reading them but now, in my late twenties, it makes the stories so much richer and reaches me in new ways.

Take Mary Minor Haristeen aka Harry. She's the main character and her small town life is so relatable it hurts. She's struggling to navigate friendship with her cheating ex husband, enjoying the chaste company a very attractive neighbor, working at a post office even though she's got a degree in art history, and sticking her nose everywhere it doesn't belong. As a teenager these were just character facts but as a millennial adult with my own set of challenging life issues, Harry is just the heroine I need.

I remember reading Sarah Addison Allen's LOST LAKE and being struck by the following quote about rereading books: "I've read them all. I want to remember them the way they were. If I read them now, the endings will have changed."

It seems a lot more than the endings can change... And it doesn't have to be a bad thing!

Do you reread? If so, do you think the characters/endings change based on the person you are when you read them?

bitty word #15

March, April, May, June. Four months of occasional late night encounters. Food poisoning, movies in bed, melty man, new sheets, forgotten jewelry.  So many encapsulated memories with Adonis. But just when I let myself believe that we had a routine - please note I did not say relationship - the text went unanswered.  I let the summer pass and in the fall radio silence continued. I vowed I was done.  I moved on...or back but that is a whole different story.

That vow was a lie. On an unseasonably warm night in November I was packing my car for a long weekend trip. It was late but I like driving when there isn't any one else on the road. My phone pinged and it was him. Just a little over a year from that first night, he was emerging from the depths again. I looked at the clock, weighed the social acceptability of being asleep at such a time and gleefully ignored him.

In the sunshine of the next day, I was glowing with the deep powerful feeling of being the one who cares less.  And then my phone pinged again. Damn, smells like desperation. That powerful glow intensified but this time I answered. There was a short volley but there was nothing to arrange with me so far away.  Despite wanting to be with him again, saying no was empowering in a way I couldn't imagine.

On Monday he texted again. Sorry, I got responsibilities.

On Tuesday. Nope, I'm side hustling.

On Wednesday, I finally said yes.

It's been a while

I can't believe that it's more than half way through March and I haven't posted a new year/old year reflection. But I shouldn't be surprised because I didn't realize I hadn't posted AT ALL since July. Moral of the story: I have no concept of time!

 

So let's do that reflection then, shall we?

 

Last year was HARD. I learned that I am incredibly strong but I do have limits. I can fail without being a failure. I can cry without being weak. Above all, I learned that I- and particularly my mental health- need to be a priority.

 

My job most of last year was soul crushing and so emotionally damaging that I was struggling in ways I couldn't fully talk about or put into words. I just knew that I wasn't okay and I kept telling people that.

 

In June I interviewed for new jobs and took a whole week off to attend the ArtEmotion Adult Ballet Summer Intensive in Salt Lake City. I saw a glimpse of happy me when I was away and dancing and thinking about alternatives. ArtEmotion was incredible full of dancers and teachers and experiences that I could pontificate on for a while but won't. Have a picture instead.

 

I ended up getting one of the new jobs I applied for and it has changed my life. I don't say that to be dramatic but simply because it's true. I've unpacked mountains of ugly baggage about my last job and don't dread a third of daily hours. My students are great, my principal is great, my colleagues are great. It's incredible the daily difference.

 

I know that I was so lucky to have this job and support network when my sister had emergency surgery and almost died in October. And my support from all of my ArtEmotion connections was uplifting as I stepped in you dance a lead role while my sister was still in the hospital. With support I came out stronger instead of broken. BTW my sister has made a full recovery and everything is fine now and we did Nutcracker together in December.

 

 

Last year was supposed to be about balance and in some ways it was. In others it was just about survival.  I hope that 2018 will be about self-care. I need to take care of me first instead of everyone around me.

 

I've already had a few rough emotinal spots this year but I am getting there. I'm figuring it out. And this year will be about me. About learning to say no. About finding what is important to me instead of what everyone else needs. I can do this and I have big plans for it.